People are always asking me about some k-pop girl who I honestly don’t give a fuck about. The first and second Kpopalypse lists of “girls who I don’t find very attractive (but you might)” fulfilled a valuable community service by letting you all know that there was no need to spam me questions about some random girl in k-pop who I don’t care about wearing a thing. As the landscape of incredibly uninteresting women in k-pop has changed a lot since the first lists was published in 2015 and 2018, here are now some more k-pop girls that I honestly don’t give a fuck about (even though you might), so now you can stop asking me about them because you will know exactly what I think. Read on and enjoy – if you can stay awake!
Important disclaimer because k-pop fans are not known for their intelligence and thanks to the ubiquity of TikTok and AI chatbots being permitted in classrooms they’re only getting dumber by the day: no, I do not “hate your bias”. This list is purely assessing my personal opinion of the attractiveness of certain people, and means nothing more or less than this. It does not take into account global fan opinion, or their personal qualities, unless the text specifically says that it does, and even then that’s probably a lie because I’ve worked out that it annoys someone stupid and annoying stupid people is funny. I’m also not implying that my opinion on these people is in any way important, I’m just some asshole. So don’t take it too seriously. Although if you do – have fun with that. But Kpopalypse.com is a very serious website at all times and not satirical in the least so I’m sure that wouldn’t happen.
MIYEON (i-dle)
i-dle are a k-pop group that are seemingly very concerned with “women’s issues” and female representation so it might seem like Miyeon is the odd one out given how Korean-beauty-standards-conforming she is. However I wonder if that’s in fact exactly the point and she’s deliberately there just to demonstrate how boring such standards are. That might be why she’s being outsourced to so many other projects at the moment, it’s her group’s plot to blandify the competition and make i-dle as a whole look relatively interesting (it’s not working but it’s a nice idea in theory).
MAGENTA (QWER)
Speaking of feminists, I should theoretically like Magenta – she plays the bass, she has an amazing figure, and she’s even named after the colour of the genitals of the Kpopalypse readers who keep sending me her pictures all the time. However there is one problem, which is that she is in the same group as Chodan. Any picture of Magenta is therefore a missed opportunity to be a picture of Chodan, so she gets in this because the opportunity cost of the Magenta pictures I get sent means that my website is running at a “goon trade deficit”. We must balance the budget.
SANA (Twice)
If I had a ten cents for every time someone sent me a picture of Sana like I gave a shit I’d have $4.30 which isn’t a lot but it’s probably still more than your bias got paid. Someone sent me a video of how legendary 1st gen k-pop group Seeya got paid a grand total of zero in royalties from their old hit songs, and they still apparently make zero from them now. That fact is more interesting than anything that I could write here about Sana (other than that she looks like Mino Suzume in DLDSS-466 you’re welcome), so let’s just move on.
JEON SOMI
Somi looks like Gwen Stefani from back in No Doubt days if she was a k-pop. Nothing wrong with how Gwen looked back then but if I hear that overplayed song of theirs “Don’t Speak” one more time while I’m out grocery shopping it’s definitely Somi’s fault somehow and I’m going to send her agency toilet paper. This makes Somi less attractive and I don’t know why but it does.
ANYONE AUSTRALIAN
I’m sorry but I need a few degrees of cultural separation to care about your k-pop bias. Of course I support Australians on an ideological level due to also being Austrawasian myself so I am cheering for all the Aussies in k-pop on the sidelines, but in terms of meeting required standards, no Australian k-pop idol can escape the effect of “cultural cringe“. It’s not that I think Australian products are inferior necessarily (or superior, for that matter) but I listen to k-pop to get away from my friends talking about going to Maccas drive-thru, not to experience it vicariously. If I wanted to immerse myself in shit Australian culture I wouldn’t have ignored my own country’s shitty music and instead written for this k-pop website for a decade and a fucking half.
(And yes New Zealanders also count, because Australians always claim anyone New Zealander as an honorary Australian as soon as they get any fame for whatever reason, probably because our own talent pool is so piss-poor that we feel the need to fudge the numbers somehow. They talk kinda like us so fuck it.)
NATTY (Kiss Of Life)
Something something birthday party something, I don’t care I found Natty not interesting long before she and her groupmates inadvertently offended all my neighbours. Maybe it’s because of her group’s R&B slop songs… wait, not that isn’t it, besides k-pop fans sure don’t give a fuck about music so why should I. It could be because I’m pretty sure Jay Park went there and the idea of having anything in common with Jay Park weirds me out, but then maybe not because Jay Park still hasn’t sent my girlfriend any of his soju despite me asking repeatedly on his OnlyFans so perhaps stealing his woman is what he deserves. Or maybe it’s just because she reminds me of Hyolyn because Hyolyn filled the role of “attractive curvy woman in an R&B-tinged group that mostly sucks” a decade before Natty did and she was in a previous list of mine like this so now Natty is here by association. I don’t know, I’ll leave it for someone smarter than me to figure it out, all I know is that I’m bored.
NANA (After School/Orange Caramel)
Somehow Nana didn’t make the previous two versions of this post, what an oversight, I guess she really is that uninteresting to me that I forgot about her existence. She always had the reputation as a star visual in her groups, but like most women who are popular, I don’t find them interesting at all. I was pretty impressed by Nana when she recently beat the living fuck out of a home intruder though, so I think she’s pretty cool and she has definitely been reading my street harassment posts to get self-defence tips, but if it were me invading her home she wouldn’t have had to lift a finger as I think I’d be knocked unconscious from sheer boredom just from looking at her.
WONYOUNG (IVE)
IVE’s Wonyoung annoys a lot of people and that’s great. I fully support her because she irritates ugly no-life k-pop fans by being prettier than them and doing all the endorsement things very well and getting the bag and living the life they will never achieve. As a result she’s well on the way to becoming part of the conceptual continuity fabric of kpopalypse.com. However “prettier than a random ugly ass k-pop fan” is still a very low bar to clear, and one can exceed that bar by a significant margin and still not come all that close to “my type”. It’s easy to see why she gets sponsorships though, especially once that makeup comes off and you realise those overpriced makeup brands she’s endorsing do actually do quite a lot.
YENA
Yena isn’t unattractive superficially or anything but she seems to do a lot of jpop-adjacent activities and anyone who willingly flirts with j-pop as consistently as she does is probably ugly on the inside.
tripleS
Eventually I will get around to writing the long-awaited tripleS identification post and finally figure out who all these bitches are, but until then I don’t think I give a fuck, even in this photo where they’re all styled really well. It’s like when you’re a kid and you get one present for your birthday because your parents are broke and you’re really grateful and appreciative and you make the most out of the little you’re given, but if you get twenty four presents at once it’s too mentally overwhelming for your tiny mind so you just throw most of them in a corner of your room and you become an ungrateful spoiled little shit. The existence of tripleS is therefore not only boring the crap out of me visually but also is actually making me a worse human being, something I never thought possible given how much of a cunt I already was before I knew about them. Such is the power they hold, fans of them should be flattered I guess.
ANYONE IN SOME RANDOM FIFTH GENERATION KPOP GROUP
There is no such thing as a fifth generation k-pop group because the fifth generation of k-pop hasn’t started yet. We only just got out of third gen when Wonho didn’t sweep the Kpopalypse Objectification Survey in 2024, which is why there’s a picture of Wonho here. (K-pop is male-objectification-centric and always has been so k-pop generations are determined by the cycle of man-meat.) But assuming that a fifth generation exists, I wouldn’t give a fuck about any of the people in those groups. I’m a senile old cunt these days, people need to be around for a while before I can even remember that they exist.
TZUYU (Twice)
Picture this. You’re a Chinese soldier, and you’ve just stormed the beach in the opening stages of the invasion of Taiwan. Your leader has been teasering this invasion for many years, and today is the day that it finally started, when you and thousands of others flooded the island in the first step to reclaim the rogue province under the umbrella of One China. The initial landing was a bloodbath of artillery and kamikaze-drone chaos, and you lost several of your comrades during the fight. However the Chinese forces had a numerical advantage that no amount of technology could match, and with great effort you and your platoon broke through the Taiwanese defences and claimed the coastline as yours.
Over the afternoon and evening, reinforcements arrive and fortifications are dug, as your group prepares to solidify your presence and then push further inland. Your platoon carves out a trench and creates hidden underground sleeping quarters so you can shelter for the night in relative safety, and prepare for the big push tomorrow morning. You fall asleep in your bunker, assured by the constant guard watch that for now, your foothold on the island is secure.
The next morning you wake up and emerge from the bunker. No sound or sign of the artillery or drones from yesterday, it’s eerily silent. You look around in horror, everyone you can see is dead! Or are they? You rush up to the nearest guard post and notice the soldier collapsed on the ground, his chest rising and falling. He’s not dead, just asleep. You shake him softly, then violently, to try and wake him up, it’s no use. He’s out cold. You then hear a noise, coming from above your head, gradually increasing in volume…
“Run, run away…”
The sound is coming from a small drone above your head, moving slowly, carrying a flatscreen monitor, pointed at your direction. You look up and ready your rifle to shoot at the slow-moving target – unlike the usual fast-moving attack drones, this should be an easy shot. You line up your sights onto the screen, where there’s a vision of a girl. Who is that girl, dancing within your gunsight? She’s attractive, but in an aggressively uninteresting way. So bland. So boring. You’d rather be doing anything else. You’re suddenly so disinterested that it’s hard to even focus on her. What are you even doing here? You drop your gun and wander around listlessly for a while in the trenches before collapsing, as the vision of the girl struggles to leave your head. You fall asleep and dream of nothing, emptiness. Your mind has been emptied of all thought. When the Taiwanese ground forces wake you up and take you off to the prisoner of war camp, you don’t know how much time has passed. As you are herded into improvised prisons made of barbed-wire fencing and beaten, you thank them. Finally, something interesting is happening.
After a few months of detainment, you are exchanged in a prison-of-war swap, and arrive back in China. Suffering PTSD from the concentrated boredom levels, you are unable to fight and are discharged from the army. The invasion is defeated shortly afterward. Now back at home, you watch televised reports about the failed invasion. While Taiwan were successful in defending their country, they are also coming under fire from human rights groups for their use of inhumane psychological weaponry, mentally scarring a generation of Chinese combatants for life. You are one of the many men who can no longer fight or even work a regular job without losing all mental focus and falling asleep randomly, the residual effects of the sheer uninterestingness of the lady on the screen haunting you for the rest of your days.
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